Decompression sickness

I think Huxley would understand, except he had substances to mess with his brain. I feel like I’m the white rabbit being dragged backwards through the hole and everything is happening in reverse. I’ve never been attached to a place like this before and had to leave. And I’ve been thinking way too much, and drinking some too much, which is all compounding the problem.

Perry may have forced his way in, in 1853 but to a large extent the Japanese still follow a course of self enforced seclusion. Its not that they don’t like the rest of the world, they’re just scared of it. Imagine never breaking free of an over protective mother and then growing up to realise that the whole society around you is that mother. Except its all you ever know, so there’s nothing weird about it.

After my own self enforced seclusion from the world; time to heal and become me again without outside interference, I found myself plunged into limbo about three weeks ago when all my classes abruptly stopped for the summer vacation, but I still had thirteen days to serve and was thus incarcerated in the office with absolutely nothing to do. Bad news from home served to further dampen my spirits and heighten my frustration, but after the first couple of days of throwing TVs and chairs out of the window I decided that it would be much more profitable to put the time and the internet, printer and photocopy access to good use.

First priority was, of course, Japanese study, but I started reading to break up the tedium of grammar exercises. I’ve been listening to some of the lectures from the new iTunes U section, and focussing on political science, with respect to globalisation and especially america-middle east foreign policy. This has led to downloading papers from weighty think tanks and trying to get my head around the basics of what some of the smarter people in the world are discussing in regard to fixing up the world's current mess. And I’ve been thinking too much. After being wrapped up in this cosy bubble for so long, with warm hearted Japanese to hang with and warm fuzzy forests to play and hang in, I’ve just jumped into an icy cold shower of global reality.

I think what is most taxing at the moment is that I've lost all grasp on perspective. As I come out of the Japanese bubble, I know the world isn't nearly as scary as my current peers would have themselves believe, but I seem to have acquired this superman syndrome whereby I'm undefeatable. My old fear of pain has shrunk considerably since being beaten up regularly for fun and the only thing left to be really scared of is my brain. The irony being that this self same bravado may be self fulfilling as it leads me into a tricky corner!

At the same time I’m saying goodbye to a whole host of beautiful people whilst approaching one of the biggest cross roads of my life. I can do anything I want from here on in and that’s simultaneously liberating and frightening. Sailing, university, film school, hiding under a doona indefinitely are some of the possibilities that have been flickering across my consciousness more often than most and I've become the proverbial kid in the candy store. This emotional tsunami is creating havoc with my zen.

Thus confusion is the word of the week, with greater confusion being the most likely modus operandi for the next few weeks as i submerge myself into full time Japanese study from Thursday onwards.

Please write and lend me some perspective. Will return it soon I promise.